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The War Within: Emotion

May 30, 2011

Twelve years. It was her whole life.

She was young when she started to wrap her world in a place where only a few could enter. It was happiness for her heart was dedicated. All she felt was pure unconditional love,  and that’s what she’s given, nothing else.

It was hell almost, for pain is constant, problems occurred endlessly… but nevertheless she thought she shall survive for the feeling she had was so strong. And she did. She did survive, She fought  knowing that even if she wins there will be the thought inside her that she may be loved for she only won. And then she won… well, she thought she did.

She neglected the fact that she worries, this uncontrollable fear she felt was enormous that it made her feel numb, until she became furious. Angry with herself and to the truth that she suppressed and hidden for a long time. She knew it will end her world.

What she has now is a little hope. The war inside her keeps on. The fear hides her away and she cannot reach out. She tried to open the door but it keeps on shutting. She feels hatred for herself. She knew she is hurting the only few who really cared for her. None of them knew that she’s in prison. She always sends her twin, a faux twin she sculpted from the views of reality which she sees from a tiny window of her world.

There is no cure. She even can’t comprehend although she fully understands her own ambiguity. Even if she tells herself what’s reality. Even if she tells herself that she’s just going through a war with her inner state… There is something in her core that wouldn’t accept.

It seems crazy for she know all the answers. She knows she’s in a quicksand of emotions. But she cannot control what is being felt. She only wishes to control her subconsciousness and wishes to control her insanity but she’s paralyzed.

If not,

Atleast to have inner peace just even for a split second so she can look at a calming face that keeps her going.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 30, 2011 10:55 am

    Hello Chi,
    Forgive my ignorance. Who is Arte! et al?
    Lovely writing, rendered me motionless. Nearly
    speechless. Whose 12 years? Hugs.

    • Chi permalink*
      May 30, 2011 2:46 pm

      hi Leilani, Arte, et al. are names of categories here in my blog.🙂
      Thanks for your comment. x 🙂

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